Hello all! I have a little confession. But first, a walk down memory lane.
I've been blogging since 2008. I started A Toast to Kos after finding Cup of Jo and Design Mom for the first time in a college campus computer lab, where I worked. I didn't have a Facebook profile and I had no idea what Google Reader was. Please enjoy the following screenshots of my first-ever blog. I'm not going to lie—I got a little teary logging in for the first time in three years:
'Pretty Things On Show'? Oh Koseli. That's good. Artful leaves and sentimental celebration. I do love it.
Poorly cropped photos. Again, I love it.
Do you see that first line on the post? These are the kind of things I would post. Pictures of Silas at church wearing Keen's glasses. Like, so cute.
I'd also post about cute clothes. And get three comments—my sister, my other sister, and my response. Comfy and bright is right!
Clever pregnancy update while still sharing a little online discovery. I was always sharing stuff with faces and miniature stuff. Some things never change.
Over the next seven years I went from writing posts about mashed potatoes and Anthropologie perfume on my first blog to contributing to one of my all-time favorite blogs, Design Mom, Erin Loechner's Clementine Daily women's lifestyle site, and many others. I jumped all in and attended Alt Summit, and met innumerable creative women that are true-life bosom buddies. I slowly grew my readership and dabbled in brand collaborations. I grew my copywriting client base and got to work with some amazing people and brands. So many of these opportunities came through connections I made blogging, sharing on Twitter, and writing. But it all started with a little old blog called A Toast to Kos. Starting something—just starting something—gave me the confidence to do something else. Then try something else. I used it as a portfolio piece to say hey, I can find interesting things and write about them in an interesting way, no matter how silly.
My successes are tiny compared to so many others. But they are mine, my own, and they fit the time and seasons of my life over the last seven years. At times I wish I would have published more, shared me, done more. But when I really think about it, I know that there was a reason why I didn't and that's okay. Blogging hasn't always been the thing that "fills me up." I have major guilt over not finishing personal projects or saying no to opportunities or changing my mind about something I said I was going to do. In the back of my mind, blogging and my 2008 original goals come back to pointlessly antagonize me and tell me I didn't follow through, or I didn't do this or that, when so many others similar to me did. It's worthless mind chatter at best. When I allow myself to think clearly about what has actually happened in my life over the last seven years/what I have made happen in my life over the last seven years, I am endlessly happy and proud. I never feel content or done, but I'm letting myself sit in it. Simmer a little. Maybe look left and right and be like, Damnnnnn Girl. For all the things I thought I'd accomplish by 29 1/2—the corporate career, total independence, absolute confidence, impeccable style, other extremely naive garbage, etc. etc, there are gifts I've been given that far exceed my wildest dreams.
Like, this one.
And this one.
And this extra 'lil one. He's kicking like crazy at the moment.
And this one. I like this one a lot. It's taken me every day since we met to really realize him. He's the best.
And the copywriting clients and projects that have challenged and inspired me and made me a better writer and co-conspirator. My professional life, though small, has been a crucial piece of my happiness puzzle. (So much more I want to write about that.) And the worries and scares and blind decisions I've made—that we've made—that have ultimately brought us to where we are today. It's so easy to slip into tunnel vision and be like, Wah, I suck or Shoot, I really should have done that instead. But that trail is pointless and we all know it and you can read a million self-help books to try to not do it, but it still happens.
My confession is (all above) and that I've kind of not liked blogging for a while. I've fallen out of love with about 90% of blogs, lifestyle blogging, sponsored posts that feel the same as other content, etc. etc. It feels worn out and tired. Like there has to be a better way to share because there is real sincerity and drive behind so many of these URLs. There's also the issue of privacy and children's safety online that is a Whole Other Thing. But what I do love is recording. Journaling. Crafting beautiful words. Well-done podcasts. Sharing something that seems trivial but conjures real inspiration and beauty. Funny stuff. Connecting with people I would have never otherwise met and learning about them. I'm debating a rekindling of this blog, or a totally fresh start, or maybe no blog at all. Or pursuing freelance again wholeheartedly. I'm always a whirlwind of ideas and agony.
But I wanted to say Thank You for reading. Sincerely. Thank you for following along. Whether you're just popping in or have been a long time reader who's given up hope that I'll ever regularly post again, Thank You. I'm so grateful for the clients, readers, collaborators, and friends I've met through blogging. Thank you to my mom and sisters and a few cousins for always reading my blog from the very beginning and making cute comments like, "This is so funny, Koseli! I think it's the best thing you've ever written." or "It feels like I was really there! Can't wait for your next post!" I think the magic of sharing + receiving feedback online still twinkles, and I want to figure out a way to make it shine again, for both of us.